The Art of Being Present
 Being present while out on a hot date, or in any other social situation, was not always easy for me. Perhaps it was all the hippie hay I smoked back when I was pursuing rock stardom. I went on to learn that being present is one of the most important factors to help set the stage for a dynamic interaction; And, if the person is available, lead the interaction to a desired outcome.
I can often stay present these days. Sometimes I slip up and wander off. Even now, staying present is something I have to practice; It is an art form, and like many activities, it is something I do well at when I accept that I am not perfect at it. Eventually, I discovered some variables that determine my level of presence in an interaction. Here are a couple:
Listening (Or Not)
I am rarely present when I am thinking about the best response to something a person is saying; especially if that person is still talking. That is the antithesis of being present. I am grateful for the moments in which I catch myself seeking for good responses. When I become self-aware, and catch myself searching for a response that I think my date will like, I silently acknowledge it, laugh at my quirks, and then get back to having a fun, dynamic interaction.
To get back to being present in this context, I remind myself that sometimes I do not have perfect responses. I remind myself that it is fine that I am an occasional dork. It is a part of me, and I dig it. The person I'm interacting with can take it or leave it. Ironically, losing the need for a perfect response often yields great responses: By accepting my quirk - too much interest in attracting someone, or some result - I find myself no longer trying to impress. Trying is the antithesis of being present.
Responding from My Own Perspective
Another indication that I am not fully present is if I am responding from a different perspective other than from my own first person "I" perspective. Here is an example of not being fully present:
Girl: "I saw the band Nine Inch Nails last week"
Me: "Nine Inch Nails is cool. Trent Reznor is great."
My response comes across as blanket statement about the way things are. It is me speaking as if I am some sort of Catholic god making a judgement: "This is good, that is bad." Speaking this way, in this context, is often caused by fear of being vulnerable, and by fear of feeling judged. It feels safe because I am not putting my own quirks out there for judgement. It exemplifies me not being fully present and putting my presence out there. Below is an example of me being more present and putting my presence out there by speaking in the first person:
Girl: "I saw the band Nine Inch Nails last week"
Me: "I like NIN. When I hear a song from NIN I usually feel a weird blend of rage and inspiration. I feel like throwing a brick through a window at Wal-Mart, and then creating art that will inspire millions of people to affect positive change. What got you into NIN?"
Now I am proudly owning my quirks and traits. And, I am present by being vulnerable and putting them out there for judgement.
So there you have it. If you catch your self out of the moment, try talking about Nine Inch Nails.
All the best,
Matt the Barista
EMAIL ARTICLE
|