Good Date Bad Date Stories

Right now, as you are reading this, somebody is having a very, very bad date. The kind of date that will make it into their personal Bad Date Hall of Fame. The kind of date that, when later recounted to friends, will leave them cringing, gasping, and maybe even laughing in pity and horror. The kind of date that leads to hyperbolic statements like, "there's nobody out there for me," and "I give up!"

You know you've had a date like that. We all have. Maybe your date spent hours talking to you about an ex (been there). Maybe the date stood you up (no stranger to that, either). Maybe your date took too much pain medication before meeting you, and nearly passed out after one drink (I swear, I thought I was going to have to carry that guy home). Maybe your date set your hair on fire (haven't had that happen to me yet, but I know it's only a matter of time).

There are countless, delicious ways a date can go badly and now is the time to share those stories.

I'll even go first:

A few years ago, this guy Decker and I made plans to meet up. He chose a place in his neighborhood, a flower shop with part of the space converted into a bar. Decker was cute but late, despite living around the corner. No apology, no excuse.

The first thing I noticed was that Decker's arm was in a sling. He dislocated his shoulder, and was going in for a second operation on it the following morning, however the antibiotics and painkillers he was on meant he couldn't drink. Then why choose a bar for a meeting location, you might wonder? Your guess is as good as mine. I sipped my wine and tried not to look too awkward as he sipped his... nothing. Decker couldn't stay long, anyway, because it also happened to be his father’s birthday that night. Dad was up at Decker’s apartment cooking a big dinner and did I mind if we go to Whole Foods so that he could pick up some bread for the meal?

Why, I ask you, would you make plans to meet someone on your father's birthday, the day before going into the hospital for an operation? This takes bad timing to a whole other level.

It wasn’t for me to ask why. I just needed to help him pick out bread.

I thought maybe the conversation might salvage the awkward circumstances of the meeting. Decker was obviously a smart guy… except that he preferred to speak in monologues to having an actual conversation. He gave mini-speeches about things I had no interest in (Civil War, anyone?), leaving little room for interjection or subject-changing. Decker also did not get my sarcasm or sense of humor. He wasn’t the Bogie to my Bacall, the Nick to my Nora. He wasn’t even fun.

Oh, and did I mention he smoked a pipe?

In case I need to spell out how incompatible we truly were, after we left Whole Foods, I mentioned my extensive movie collection.

He puffed on his pipe and said:

"Having that many movies is retarded."

Retarded.

This made me sorely tempted to dislocate his other shoulder. I mean, I freely admit my film collection verges on the dorky, but to call it "retarded"? I just spent ten minutes listening to this guy pontificate on a 20-book series he's reading about the British navy, while he smoked his pipe (but seriously, unless you are captain of a colonial ship or something, isn't 31 a little young for that sort of thing?). You tell me what's more retarded.

Today, I can look back at that night and laugh at the guy’s inconsideration and pretentiousness. At the time, however, this encounter led me to take myself off the market for a little while. Not the most cataclysmic of dates, I know, but still a let down, because the guy was obviously not the least bit invested or interested. Or interesting, for that matter.

While living through them isn't always fun, I love bad date stories. They are often funny and weird and dramatic, and nearly always make me feel better about my own dating situation. "I may not have met the man of my dreams, but at least my last date didn't collect baby clothes," I can say to myself. And even in you can't relate to the events, you can always relate to the disappointment. It’s not just me, and it’s not just you. Bad dates happen to good people.

Dating has its peaks and valleys, and It's Just Coffee wants to explore the highest highs, the lowest lows, and everything in between. Therefore, we invite you to submit stories of your best and worst dates. Submit them in the It's Just Coffee Forum in the 'Good Date - Bad Date" section. Or, email them to webmaster@itsjustcoffee.com (Subject=Good Date Bad Date).

You might be wondering, why bother with stories of the good dates? Aren’t there only so many ways a date can go well (chemistry, conversation, fun, kissing, etc.)? Maybe, but in the same way that reading stories of bad dates make us feel better about our solo status, stories of good dates can give us hope about meeting that right person. After all, haven’t we all had the other kind of date, too? You know, the one that makes us suspiciously nice to our coworkers, the one that leaves us humming to ourselves and smiling for days? We want to hear the stories of those dates, too.

Each week, one Good Date and one Bad Date will be posted as a featured story for your entertainment and commiseration. Names will be changed to protect the guilty and socially awkward.

Dolly D writes about dating and New York City life in her blog, The Truth About Cocks and Dolls.