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Don't Be That Guy
By Dolly D.
 You see that cyber-cutie on your computer screen and your pulse quickens. You want to get her attention, and before you know what you're doing, you're typing her a message. But what to write?
I'll tell you what not to write. This:
Subject:
No subject
Body:
in college... this guy tried to tell me that a guaranteed way to get laid was to take a girl to see that "Cats and Dogs' movie, and tell her how much hotter Janeane was than Uma.
wanna go see that 'Cats and Dogs' movie?
I received the above message from an online personals site, and wanted to reply,
Dear 'Luv_Gravy',
No thank you.
P.S. Ew.
Instead, I chose to stay silent, figuring such bafflingly tasteless messages were anomalies.
I figured wrong. Over the years, I have been the recipient of many an ill-conceived, ill-composed missive. Below is a collection of some of the more particularly...memorable emails I've received from strangers on MySpace and other such websites. They are reprinted here exactly as they appeared in my inbox, crazy spelling and punctuation (or lack thereof) intact, along with the replies I composed, but was never mean enough to actually send.
Subject:
hello sexy
Body:
how r u? ur pics r such a turn on id love to pleasure u orally with nothing in return write back
Dear Guy Who Doesn't Like Commas--or Most Punctuation for that Matter,
Oral pleasure for nothing in return? From some faceless stranger on the internet? My goodness, that sure is a generous offer. It's like I won the cyber-lottery. And if your friends page is any indication, I'm sure I'd be in quality company with "ShAnNoN" and "Luscious Latina"... yet I'm going to have to give it a miss. You know what they say, there's no such thing as a free oral pleasuring.
Subject:
u r
Body:
hot!
I am Gxxxx, 31, male, NYC.
summer over winter
beach over pool
boxerbriefs or boxers or briefs....
your turn....
Dear Gxxxxx,
Autumn over spring.
Pool over beach.
Not telling you the contents of my underwear drawer or... not telling you the contents of my underwear drawer.
Proper use of ellipses over...
Subject:
hello
Body:
hello baby i ll like 2 know u more pls tell me more abt u u can mail me mxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com i weant 2 bee ur friend am from us my name is mxxxxx
Hello Mxxxxx,
I'm touched that you "weant 2 bee" my friend, really I am. If you didn't obviously take your writing style from the Prince School of Naming Songs, maybe we would even have a chance. Alas, I would not die 4 u and many things do, in fact, compare 2 u. I hope that doesn't hurt your feelings. Maybe I'm just like my father, too bold. Maybe I'm just like my mother...
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
wow ma im checkin out pages and i had to stop on urs and let u know that i think ur gorgeous i really like wat i see ma so when ever u can make sure u stay in touch dont be a stranger ok cutie .... take care luv
*droolin*
Dear "99-year-old" from Kearny, NJ with the Scarface Wallpaper,
Wow, I'm checkin' out my MySpace messages and I had to stop on yours and let you know I think you have found new and astonishing ways to butcher the English language. And your photos! That one picture that zooms in on your bicep with the heading "U CaNt HaNdLe"...? I think that shows remarkable insight. It's true, I CaNt HaNdLe. I wOuLdNt EvEn TrY.
Subject:
No subject
Body:
You sound like you might make an interesting friend, so let's get together for a cup of something delicious and some interesting conversation... if you think you can handle it, that is!" ;)
Hi Nxxxx,
I can handle an orphan quotation mark and even, if pushed, an emoticon. It's the dubious nature of that "cup of something delicious" that gives me pause. Having given it serious thought, I must say once again, I CaNt HaNdLe. Sorry.
Subject:
hi bebe
Body:
Are you a model. Wow your'e very adorable and you so look young and pretty . I can't believe a sexy thing like you would be on here .You shold be out there driving all the guys wild with your sexy smile and your beauty.Well I am Rxxxx and i live in Xxxxx Xxxxxx NY . I have a pic so if you to see you may want reply back and il send to you or my aol screen name is dxxxxx im me there and ill show u my pic or email me dxxxxxx@aol.com and i will send to you . Maybe who knows you might like talkin to me and we can get to know more about each other until then sweetness a kiss on your cheeks and a red rose for you @~~<~<~ but not as red as your lipz
Dear Rxxxx,
My name is not Bebe; are you sure you're not confusing me with Ms. Neuwurth?
Actually, I'm not a model, but gosh, how terribly flattering for you to confuse me with one! That must mean that you think I'm, like, really very adorable and young and pretty or something! You are such a charmer! And your blatant disregard for question marks or proper placement of the period is so sexy I can't stand it. You "shold" be out there driving all the girls wild with your selective capitalization of "I". Clearly there was a prison break at the Correctional Facility for the Grammatically Challenged and you are on the run. Don't worry, I won't tell; it'll be our secret. My "lipz" are sealed.
Dolly D writes about dating and New York City life in her blog, The Truth About Cocks and Dolls. You can send your own wacky emails from prospective online suitors to cocksanddolls@yahoo.com.
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