For Guys - Fun with Supermarket Dating
Lisa is taking the month off - she got a book deal!
I once saw an advertisement targeting guys from a big online dating website that read like this: "Never walk across the bar to talk to a snob again - www.NeedyMatch.com" If that advertisement appeals to you, and you're a guy, and you're not willing address the issue of why that advertisement appeals to you, delete your profile from It's Just Coffee. There is a plethora of witty, attractive women on It's Just Coffee, and the last thing I need is you scaring one by being overly rattled, intimidated, and nervous, when you meet face to face. And your affinity for that advertisement conveys you're probably to too afraid of rejection, overly needy, mad at your mom, and mad at Tim, the evil step dad, for whipping you with a belt at age nine because you lied about doing your homework.
1. Always Talk to Strangers:
Always strive to be skilled at Offline Dating, and approach women in public you are attracted to. It behooves you (and me) tenfold to cold approach that women standing in the dairy section at the supermarket, in the Astrology section at the bookstore, or in the post office on Saturday morning: To approach pretty much anywhere save for a parking lot or gas station.
Remember that episode of Happy Days (set in the 1950s) where The Fonz taught Richie how to pick up women at the supermarket? The Fonz's technique was to smash his shopping cart into the woman's shopping cart, and from there it was on. When Richie tried this approach it didn't work; his face turned red, his voice became shaky, and he could not hold eye contact. So what did Richie do? He gave up and turned to online dating, sent badly crafted messages, creeped out the smart girls, emasculated himself, and turned into a stalker.
If you're like Richie, it behooves you to practice approaching because by taking action you're overcoming your fear of rejection; and most likely confronting core feelings of fear and shame (I read this on the Internet so it's got to be true). Thusly, by taking action, approaching, and confronting core issues, you will auto-adopt and internalize the aura of a confident alluring man with options. This happens regardless of the response from the person you approached. When you take action you're intrinsically rewarded no matter what. In other words, even if she responds with "Thanks, but I have to go rearrange my socks" you're still rewarded with momentum and confidence from taking action. Then, that newfound momentum and confidence exudes from you and is noticed by other prospects in the vicinity - Guaranteed.
The confidence and momentum you earn from approaching is also noticed by the women you meet on It's Just Coffee. Hence, it behooves me to encourage you to improve your ability to approach and offline date, because you'll become like the Fonz, James Bond, or Terry Geezer Butler from Black Sabbath. As a result my site will remain fun for women.
The women on my website will be meeting men of abundance in the dating department. Men with abundance in the dating department have standards, options, and know how to manage their fears. Men with standards, options, and in control of their fears are not needy and often attractive to many women.
The Obligatory Introvert Excuse
No more excuses about how you can't meet strangers because you're an introvert. That excuse is often nothing more than that - an excuse for fear of rejection. Introversion and fear of rejection are two different beasts. The former is artsy, mysterious, and hip. The latter is more about too much need for others' approval. You can stay your introverted self. Just be you. You don't have to be the overly extroverted alpha party guy, or the overly alpha jerkish frat guy that still thinks Smash Mouth is cool, to be successful at talking to strangers and offline dating.
Just take action. By taking action you are gaining momentum and confidence, and that is the same as tapping into your extroverted side. If you read this far I am confident you can do it, and still stay YOU.
You're not being yourself if you're not present. And you're not present when you strongly fear rejection. Repetitive approaching will desensitize fear of rejection and bring out elements of your true self you forgot about. I know you can take action. Do it for the Fonz, Do it for Geezer from Black Sabbath. And, do it for the witty gorgeous blonde from Santa Monica that just joined It's Just Coffee yesterday. Just be ready. Because she'll look you in the eyes and know if you're not ready. And if you're not ready she'll be glad it's just coffee and leave in under twenty minutes. But if you are ready - from challenging yourself and growing - your chance of connecting is favorable.
2. Getting Started (If you are like Richie from Happy Days)
Does the following still happen to you. It occasionally still happens to me, but now I love it: You're alone when you see her looking at cereal in the supermarket. You look twice, she's nicely dressed, and you think I'm going to meet her. In fact you just committed to meeting her in your head. But now your heart speeds up. Your face gets warm and flush. Your breath gets short. Your stomach feels fuzzy and your shoulders are stiff. Your legs get stiffer and it feels like you're walking funny. You feel like Al Gore. You think "What will I say - 'Um, hi, do you like Fruit Loops?'". With no mutual friends to introduce you to her, no social proof and no shared experience to start bonding about - save for the possibility of a situation in the environment you may be able to leverage; e.g. "Did you see those two girls fist fighting outside?" - will you be able to walk up and say "Hi-"? Can you start a conversation with her in a way that conveys you have standards beyond "she likes me." and convey you're courageous, witty, and considerate? Or will you talk yourself out of approaching: "I'm not feeling it", "She'll think I'm a player", "She likes raisin bran, gross", "I'm in a hurry to get back on the computer and set up a date," et al.
Now there is a plethora of information on overcoming anxiety: Even approach anxiety. There is Neuro Linguistic Programming, anti-depressants for social anxiety, and the semi-creepy/semi-manipulative seduction communities mentioned in The Game by Neil Strauss.
Tony Robbins suggests pretending you're wearing a cape, like superman. I'd like to upstage Robbins and suggest that you add a football helmet and boxer shorts to the cape outfit. This will put a natural smile on your face that will allure women and peak their curiousity.
There is only one cure for fear, and that is action towards it, perhaps just beyond the edge of comfort. Baby steps if you will. If getting her phone number or having an insta-date (coffee on the spot) is too much for you at this time, take action to desensitize yourself by doing this: Say; "How is your day going?" to every retail clerk you see from now on. Especially the clerks you find attractive. They can't run, they're paid to talk to you, and you can quickly exit the interaction. From there build to up to approaching women and giving them sincere compliments and quickly exiting. After they blush and say "Thank you", you say "You're welcome" then split. If your compliment is sincere you'll make their days most of the time, and you'll feel like James Bond. If you're still pretending you're wearing a cape, football helmet, and boxer shorts, exit as if you are flying away with one arm pointed straight up.
Do this regularly and in a few months you'll be striking up situational conversations with everyone in a natural way, getting dates offline, and the phrase 'out of my league' will go back to being the fable that it truly is. The goal is to slowly desensitize yourself from fear of rejection and internalize that the only failure is inaction - every approach is a success. Internalize this and you'll open up a new chapter in your life - the chapter of dating abundance. Once that chapter opens It's Just Coffee will be exactly what it should be: entertaining, fun, insightful - and only one of MANY places you can meet quality people you find alluring, authentic, and smart. Ultimately, women will come back to It's Just Coffee's personals between relationships because they know the guys here rock. Perhaps one day I can then quit my day job and type these articles from my dream home that faces north just off Pacific Coast Highway overlooking the ocean in Southern California.
All the best,
Matt the barista